I Miss The Part Of You That makes You Sam
by shimmerinstars
Summary: The Winchester brothers had their share of cases gone bad. But none like this one in how it affected Sam.


**Disclaimer:** Not Mine.

**Author's Note:** Thanks to Jedisapphire for the beta.

**Summary:** The Winchester brothers had their share of cases gone bad. But none like this one in how it affected Sam.

o0o

Dean sat in the emergency room cubicle feeling helpless. His brother was in pain from his physical injuries but what worried Dean more was Sam had shut down emotionally.

Not taking an eye off his little brother seated on the hospital bed Dean watched as the doctor checked Sam over, focusing on the deep gashes on his lower arms.

Calling in a nurse to help clean and stitch the wounds, he instructed her to bandage them before taking Sam to get an x-ray for a suspected concussion.

"Your brother seems to have sustained a variety of minor injuries and a possible concussion," The doctor informed him. "If nothing shows on the x-ray you can take him home."

"Thank you doctor," Dean acknowledged with a forced smile.

When the nurse finished, leaving to find a wheel chair to take Sam to radiology. Dean got up and moved close to his brother, "How are you doing?" he asked softly, studying his brother's face.

"I'm okay, "Sam answered flatly, his eyes vacant strangers to Dean.

"Looks like she bandaged you up nicely," Dean tried to remain upbeat even with his brother's lack of emotion. It was like Sam wasn't there anymore just an echo of him was and it scared the hell out of Dean.

"Can I get you something?" Dean asked his voice cracking momentarily. "Maybe some water?"

"I'm fine," Sam replied eerily void of any emotion.

Dean tried to convince himself it could be shock or the concussion causing this but the doctor gave the impression Sam probably didn't have one. Plus Dean's gut was telling him otherwise.

Dean accompanied Sam to radiology walking along side the wheelchair the nurse pushed him in. There was no way Dean was letting Sam out of his sight especially after what happened to the Walker family. Who were guarded by an army of the best hunters. Dean chatted away not knowing what else to do but be himself and maybe Sam would follow suit and be himself again too.

Sam's x-ray came back showing he had no concussion. Just a hard knock on the head when he was thrown against the wall. Which left whatever was going on with Sam to be job related.

o0o

John and Mary Beth Walker had quickly made Sam and Dean feel like part of their family, and older brothers to their ten year old son Ethan and their little girl Stella, who just turned eight.

Stella, a gifted empath was who Sam and Dean were there to help protect until the family relocated in a couple of weeks. Stella was being targeted by a fraction of demons seeing this little girl as an asset with the information she could provide them.

There was another member of the Walker Clan, a niece Kaity, twenty one, who Mary Beth took in five years ago when her sister Sarah was killed.

Sarah, a hunter who had brought her daughter up as one too. Kaity who had been a college student at the Walker's previous residence, dropped out when Stella being an empath had put her life in danger.

From that moment Kaity had dedicated herself to protecting Stella.

As part of a network of hunters Kaity enlisted their help to protect and safely relocate her family. She strategically placed a number of them around the house repeating this circle of protection outward for a few miles. She also protected the home with salt and goofer dust to keep anything demonic from entering.

Together with Jack, a fellow hunter and close friend Kaity kept guard over her family but felt more help was needed to ensure their safety so she contacted someone she trusted, who contacted Garth, who got in touch with Sam and Dean.

o0o

"What is wrong with Sam?" Castiel had stopped by the bunker to check on the younger Winchester. "He's functional but not himself or rather not _all_ of himself."

"I'm not sure," Dean said. "All I know is it has something to do with the job we just finished."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because it went sideways and people got killed," Dean sat down and added. "But its more than that."

"What do you mean?'"

"Its like Sam doesn't feel anymore. Like he said _enough_ and just shut down. After all the hits my brother has taken, I guess I just took for granted how strong he is. I expected Sam to get up this time like any other and just brush himself off and keep going," Dean said his voice breaking momentarily. "You know fighting the good fight."

"Dean, he still has that strength," Castiel added on a positive note.

"I know," Dean said." He will find his way back. I know it. Its just hard seeing him this way."

o0o

The moment Sam stepped into the Walker home he was drawn to kaity, everyone in the house could see it. Sam denied it of course especially when Dean teased him. Which Dean did often.

"You shouldn't let your brother bother you so much," Stella told a frustrated Sam after a teasing session by Dean.

"I can't help it Stella. Some times Dean just doesn't know when to quit!"

"He teases you because he loves you."

"Well then my big brother must love me a whole lot, like more than anything in the world!"

"He does," Stella answered. "Love you more than anything in the world."

"Thanks," Sam said softly. She had put things quickly back into prospective and he felt a little embarrassed now.

"Your welcome," she said, skipping to her room.

"Hey, how did you get to be so smart," Sam called out warmly after her.

His answer came in giggles.

Sam had tried hard during the time he and Dean spent with the Walker family to keep his relationship business like with Kaity. But there were those stolen moments Dean caught sight of a few times. Where he'd spot Sam and kaity late at night huddled up together in some corner of the house, lost in conversation. Sam looking happy and relaxed, his eyes unable to hide the affection he felt for this girl.

Something Dean felt grateful for and yet feared.

"Promise me something," Kaity asked Sam late one night when the date to relocate was drawing near.

"Sure, what is it?" He asked, noting the seriousness of her tone.

"That you will do whatever it takes to keep Stella safe. Ethan too of course but Stella being who they are targeting."

"Of course I will." Sam answered.

"Even if means choosing her life over mine."

"What? That's not going to happen! I won't let it," Sam stated strongly.

"I know you will do your best," She took his hand. "But if that situation happened. I need to know you would put saving Stella first."

"Why are you saying this?" He asked her. It hurt Sam to even think about it.

"For my peace of mind Sam. I love Stella I want her to be safe."

"You, me, Dean, and everyone else here will keep her safe."

"Please. I need you to promise me this. I need to hear you say it," Kaity pleaded.

"I promise," Sam said, seeing what it meant to her. "You have my word."

"Thank you," Kaity said deeply.

Then after almost two weeks of suppressing his feelings for kaity, Sam kissed her.

o0o

Dean worrying about Sam and unable to sleep, sat nursing a drink in the Library when his cell went off.

"Where the hell have you've been Crowley? I've been leaving you messages for more than two weeks!"

"Let me see, lied to me twice, handed the blade to the angel. Did I forget anything Squirrel?"

"Sorry if your feelings got hurt Crowley. But there was no way I was handing that blade back to you!"

"I called to see how Moose is doing."

"You don't get to talk about him."

"I know Sam is not himself and I know what went down at that house." Crowley informed Dean now seated across from him in the Library.

"Crowley you knew and could have done something?" Dean slammed his cell down on the table.

"There you go again Dean jumping to the wrong conclusions about me."

Dean answered with an angry look.

"I took care of your problem Dean. That little girl you and Moose were protecting, well no demon will ever bother her again."

"Why should I believe that?" Dean asked.

"I had their little demon club killed, all of them, as well as their leader."

"Who was...?"

"My mother."

"You killed your mother?"

"I had enough of Rowena."

"Rowena is your mother?"Dean almost felt sorry for Crowley. But he understood fully why he killed her.

"Why would you help us?" Dean asked.

"Okay I wasn't helping you or that family. I got rid of my mother and her followers because she would've killed me sooner or later."

"Can I just peek in on Moose. I promise not to wake him?" Crowley asked.

"Get out!" Dean yelled, then paused considering something with a puzzled look. "Wait a minute Crowley you said no demon would ever bother her again, not just that group of demons."

"Did I?" Crowley questioned before vanishing.

Making sure the king of hell listened to Sam being off limits to him. Dean quietly slipped into his brother's room to check, finding only Sam there sleeping soundly.

Dean took a seat in the desk chair near his brother's bed. Sam looked so peaceful in sleep. Like he was fine when he wasn't. "I know you'll be yourself again Sammy. That you just need time," Dean spoke to his sleeping brother. "I miss the part of you that makes you Sam."

o0o

The hunters had thwarted a few attacks by taking out the demons before they even finished making a plan. They even stopped an attack that had reached the Walker house itself. What they didn't know was that the attack on the house was a ruse, a set up for an larger attack. That was planned for the following night when the family was to be moved.

What they didn't expect was for the attack to come from within and from their own.

It was early evening and the house was quiet with everyone on guard but fairly relaxed. The family was packed and ready to go. The furniture to be left behind to make the move swift and easy.

Kaity to be on the safe side had brought in a couple of hunters Mark Lipton and Ed Bellows from one of the outer locations they had kept vigil at the past few weeks.

Everything and everyone was prepared as could be.

Kaity was hanging out with Stella upstairs in her bedroom while Jack was busy playing video games with Ethan in his. While everyone else was downstairs lingering at the table having coffee or in conversation in the living room.

It was John Walker possessed by a demon, which had lie dormant to remain undetected by Stella, who ignited the attack by standing up and killing Mark instantly by snapping his neck. Next tossing Dean across the room when he came at him. Mary Beth's piercing scream alerted Jack upstairs who grabbed Ethan to check it out, leaving him with kaity before he did.

"Sammy! Stella!" Dean called out to his brother as he helped Ed take care of the demon. Sam bolted upstairs yelling to Jack they needed to get the kids out of the house. Heading into Stella's bedroom Sam and Jack were each violently thrown against the wall. Stunned momentarily Sam lifted his head to see Kaity had been possessed and Jack was unconscious. Attempting to stand up Sam found himself thrown hard this time into a full length mirror, his arms cut up badly having raised them to cover his face.

Sam turned over and sat up spotting a knife Kaity held above Ethan with Stella sitting close by crying. "I'll kill him unless you let me walk with the girl."

"Not going to happen," Sam spoke reaching around him to find his gun.

"Your choice hunter," She raised the knife higher readying to use it when two shots rang out from behind Sam, hitting kaity and sending her with the knife to the floor. "Come here Ethan," Jack called out grabbing hold of the young boy and passing him to Ed who was beside him now, so he could grab Stella.

The demon smoked out leaving Kaity on the floor near death. Sam quickly by her side.

Jack looked at Kaity and Sam knew by the expression on his face that she had asked him to make the same promise he did.

"We got the kids," Jack gathered himself. "Lets get them out of here."

"You'll be okay. You'll be okay," A frantic Sam repeated to an unresponsive kaity as he scooped her up in his arms. Following them down stairs, he stopped to gently place her on the couch. While Jack and Ed carried the kids outside.

"Hold on kaity," Sam spoke. "Hold on." It was when he went to apply pressure to her wounds that Sam saw she was gone. "Kaity," he whispered putting his head down, the familiar pain of loss engulfing him.

Sam got up needing to make sure Dean was okay and knowing his help might be needed. His lower sleeves now soaked in blood from his wounds he stepped outside and took in the situation which appeared chaotic yet seemed to be in control. There were more hunters and a couple of vans and to his surprise he saw John Walker who he thought for sure was dead having been possessed, now getting into one of the vans with his family.

Dean, Jack, and Ed were on alert watching the area to make sure the Walker family, accompanied by hunters in the second van, took off without further incident.

Keeping an eye on the vans until they were safely out of sight Dean breathed a sigh of relief that their job here was done. Spotting his brother outside and having heard about kaity, Dean relayed to Sam with his eyes how sorry he was. Then hurried to join him back in the house followed by Jack and Ed.

Dean upon seeing Sam's arms cut the shirt sleeves, gently removing them and using hand towels from the first floor bathroom he wrapped the wounds.

With the family on their way and most of the hunters gone, Jack and Ed told Sam they would take it from here. That Sam needed to get to an emergency room to take care of those wounds. That he would stay with Kaity and together with the network of hunters which were like family to them, would take good care of her and Mark.

"Okay," Sam agreed. "I'd just like to say goodbye."

"We'll be outside," Jack told Sam, as he, Ed, and Dean trailing behind stepped out to give him some privacy.

Sam knelt in front of kaity and stroked her hair lightly. "You know if I had allowed myself I could have fallen so in love with you. I got the feeling you felt the same way too. But being hunters we are a skittish bunch, we hold back on taking that risk. Part of me hoped one day we might. I'll never forget you kaity Walker," Sam kissed her lightly on the forehead and walked outside to join Dean and say their goodbyes to Jack and Ed and head back home to the bunker.

o0o

Dean was about to drift off to sleep when his cell went off. It was a text from Sam with one word, _Dean._

At Sam's bedroom door in seconds, Dean gave a few quick knocks before entering,"Sammy?"

Sam was sitting on the top of his bed with his back against the wall," You were right Dean."

"Right about what?" Dean asked, his eyes widening at the emotion he heard in Sam's voice.

"I liked kaity a lot," Sam barely got out her name when he lowered his head and began to cry.

Dean quickly got on the bed and grabbed hold of his brother. "I know you did," He said holding Sam tight.

His Sammy was back. He was feeling again and no doubt it hurt like hell but Dean knew now his brother would be okay.

"I need to explain to you," Sam pulled away wiping his tear stained face looking much like the little boy Dean helped raise.

"You don't have to explain anything to me," Dean said his hand on Sam's shoulder. Wanting to keep that physical connection, wanting to keep looking into eyes that were no longer vacant of emotion. But now full of Sammy.

"I need to Dean, please."

"Sure Sammy," Dean said, curious himself but wanting Sam to know it didn't matter if he did or to talk about it only when he was ready.

"It wasn't just about kaity. It was about everything we've lost and sacrificed and how much it hurt every time we did. I couldn't bear to feel that pain again, not after...not one more time and then I didn't feel anything."

Dean didn't miss what that slip-up of Sam's meant. He knew his death hit Sam hard but he never really stopped to think about how hard or what it did to him those months living without him. Maybe Dean didn't want to know the level of pain Sam endured because it would be like revisiting his time living without Sam and that was a place he never wanted to revisit again.

But what Sam suffered then, Dean knew now, was a part of why he shut down emotionally.

"Sammy what pulled you back." Dean asked gently.

"I think a few things did. But what happened to me wasn't any conscious choice I made. It just happened and I was in this place in my mind where I was glad to be at first as I was free from feeling anything. But it increasingly became a cold and empty place as what else can feeling nothing be. It was you talking to me Dean and believing in me that helped. The more you talked the safer I felt and the more I realized where I belonged and then the pain came crashing back but so did all the good, like how I feel about you Dean, my only family and that I'd never trade those two weeks I spent with Kaity even with how much it hurt losing her.

Sarah once told me something, "When you shut out pain. You shut out everything else too."

"Smart girl," Dean said.

"Yeah she was."

o0o

The following morning Dean was busy in the kitchen making breakfast when Sam walked in

"Hey, take a seat," Dean motioned for him to sit. "Everything is just about ready."

"Need any help?" Sam asked helping himself to a cup of coffee.

"You can grab the maple syrup other than that I'm set."

"Okay," Sam grabbed the container out of the cabinet."

"Pancakes and bacon sound good?"

"Yes, very much," Sam answered.

"Here we go!" Dean placed two plates on the table. One piled high with bacon, the other stacked high with pancakes.

Dean dug in while Sam did the same.

"Hey, how did John Walker survive?" Sam asked. "I saw you take out the knife."

"I locked him in the closet instead and did an exorcism. I wasn't about to take Stella and Ethan's father away from them. Not if I had a say in it"

"I'm seriously impressed," Sam said, looking at his brother in total awe.

"Yeah?"

"I don't think I ever been prouder of you Dean. To care that much and pull that off in those circumstances. You really are the best hunter there is."

"Stop Sammy you're going to make me blush."

"It's good to be back Dean."

"It's good to have you back Sammy. I have to honest you gave me a scare."

"I never meant to Dean."

"I know Sammy. I know."

"Hey how about after breakfast we pack a bag and take a little trip."

"Where to Dean?"

"How about we just take off and see where that leads us?" Dean proposed his idea with a smile.

"Okay," Sam smiled in return. "Sounds good to me."


End file.
